What is the point of work?

 This post is more of a rant and a moment of self-reflection for me.  One thing I've noticed is that:  I have no motivation to work.  I do what must be done, and nothing more.  This is basically a summation of why I am this way, and a way to organize my thoughts about the matter.

First of all, there is a history lesson here.  I grew up in a household where hard work was not appreciated.  The way I grew up was, I was ordered to work (do chores), but with zero gratification behind it.  Yes, I understand completely that chores are a required thing kids have to do.  This is all part of being part of a household, and I raise my son with the same expectations... you live in my house, you do chores.

However, my son is also incentivized to WANT to do chores.  He knows that if he does his chores, he gets to have some fun afterwards.  He is raised to know that we appreciate his help around the house.  This is all part of the adult work life.  You work hard, you get paid.  And when you get paid, you get to possibly have some fun.  In the case of my son, his payment is screen time/ electronics.  And he loves that payment [for now] so it works well for him.  He works, he gets paid, therefore at times he will volunteer to do chores.  This is a child raised right.

My childhood was thus:  I work, and I don't get yelled at, or chewed out.  If I didn't do the work good enough, simple basic human rights were taken away.  Didn't work enough???  I don't deserve to eat.  I didn't work enough, I don't need to shower every day.  If she [my mother] felt we went through toilet paper too fast, I was rummaging through the garbage by the toilet for any snotty/used pieces of toilet paper, or toilet paper rolls, just to wipe.  And in my household, you didn't DARE volunteer to do extra or work extra hard.  Perfection was expected, even on extra work you volunteered to do without being asked.  On top of that, because you volunteered and did it once that way, it became part of your permanent work load.  Again, had to be done perfect... and if not done good enough, there would be consequences.  Don't get me started on how many times I was called "worthless" because the job wasn't done good enough.  To this day, I feel worthless because of how I was raised.  Those words are drilled into my head because that was the most I ever heard about the work I did.  There was never a "good job" or a single compliment when I worked hard.  But I made one mistake, and I've never hear the end of it.

Now as a younger, single adult, having failed college due to past trauma + an undiagnosed autism condition, I never got to work in jobs that I particularly liked.  In fact, most jobs sucked.  There were jobs where I wasn't treated well... those jobs didn't last long because I couldn't bring myself to even want to go to work to be [in my mind] abused by supervisors or other coworkers.  There were jobs where I was treated decent, and I did well.  One thing I always tried to do was my best.  That was the way I was raised.  Do the job perfectly, or I was worthless.  So, I pushed for perfection.  I pushed to do my best, and if my best wasn't good enough, again, the job didn't last, but at least in those cases, I was just let go versus me just not showing up.

But one thing held true with those jobs...  I got paid.  No matter how crappy the job was.  When I got paid, I was able to get the things I wanted.  I was able to buy things, and buying things brought me happiness.  Saw a movie I wanted, bought it.  Saw a game I wanted, bought it.  (Assuming I could afford it).  I had most of my bills on autopay and my purchases were typically light.  But I bought what I wanted.  Didn't want to cook, got delivery.  I had cable, internet, electricity, phone plan, and gaming consoles.  I had want I needed.  I had incentive to work.  I had purpose.  

But I was also lonely.  Yes, in spite of being autistic...  while I find it hard to socialize and don't feel comfortable around people, I am still capable of being lonely.  I'd find some degree of contentment in using instant messengers and chatting with people.  However, it wasn't enough.

I found someone from one of those instant messaging programs and eventually got married and had a kid.  For a while, I did manage to secure a job that treated me fairly well, and I was getting paid.  I had gotten promoted at this job and was doing well.  In fact, for a brief time, I was the highest paid hourly employee at the job.  I hated the work, but I LOVED the fact I was getting recognized for my hard work.  I absolutely NEED that to keep wanting to work as hard as I did.  I would push myself harder than I had ever worked before because I felt I had a reason to work hard.  I had gotten a supervisory position as a team lead, and felt good about myself.  I was still able to hold my head up high and still... I got paid.  All was good.

Then I moved to Sioux Falls and worked at Walmart.  I went to that job with the same mentality I had at my previous job.  I was going to work hard, and they were going to praise the hard work I did.  I was going to get promoted for my hard work, because hard work = praise and getting paid. ...  I WAS DELUSIONAL ...  Hard work = jack shit at that job.  I didn't get praise.  I asked questions because I was unsure of aspects of my job, got yelled at.  Tried for promotions, didn't get them.  I worked and felt completely betrayed by the system.  Sioux Falls, also had a higher cost of living, and we were constantly broke.

So, I went from working hard... getting praise, and getting paid to having EVERYTHING taken away from me.  Aside from my gf [future wife] at the time, all of the progress I had made with working was taken away from me.  I'd try to work hard, and I'd get berated if I wasn't good enough.  Occasionally I'd push myself extremely hard for unloading truck, occasionally get a good job, but nothing beyond that.  And the money?  Getting paid?  Nope.  We were broke.  We managed to get married and even had a kid, but were broke. I couldn't buy anything any more.  My incentive to work disappeared.  My desire to work... disappeared.  I was working a job where I got yelled at more often than not, and I was no longer getting paid.  Yes, I got money, but that money was gone for bills... and in the end... I didn't get paid.  I had nothing.  My personal satisfaction was gone.  Familial satisfaction may have been limping on to survive another day... personal satisfaction was gone.  After about a year, I was let go because I had missed too many days.  If they had treated me better, I might not have missed as much as I had... but oh well.

Next job I worked at, I got diagnosed with autism while I was working that job.  Despite corporate micromanaging and 3-4 different people at any one time telling me how to do my job, it was the best job I ever had.  I finally had a data entry type job, so I wasn't working in a factory.  I had felt like I was finally starting to do work that matched more in line of the type of work I wanted to do.  I didn't have to call people, I didn't have to talk to people much.  I just sat at a computer doing data entry.  I would have been happy to do a job like that.  I told my immediate supervisor that I was diagnosed with autism.  I even told her not to tell the higher ups cause I didn't know what the work place reaction would have been.  I guess I found out my answer a week later.  I was terminated.  They claimed I was "cold with management."  Half of the time, with 3-4 people all emailing me telling me how to do my job, I didn't even know who management was half the time, and again... I am autistic.  With emails and personal communication, I tend to be short, concise, and to the point.  Apparently short and concise equals cold.  I don't get it.

After working one more job and then having a mental breakdown after all of that... I no longer can work as I am now considered disabled.  With that my personal life purpose is gone.  I have a family that I contribute towards, but very little in the way of finances.  

I went from believing that hard work equals more abuse, to hard work equals getting paid and having something to show for it.  And then I went from hard work equals mental burn out and nothing to show for it.  Yeah, when I worked, I contributed to the family fund.  The family got paid.

I didn't.

All money equals family money.  But I'm autistic.  I derive personal satisfaction from what I earn and what I can get with what I earn.  I miss the days when I could take the money I earned and buy something with it.  Instead of going on family trips, I would rather buy something for myself that I want to buy.  Why?  Because that shows me that I am earning something... ANYTHING.

But now?  I don't work.  I get money from the government because I can't work.  I no longer feel I earn anything.  I don't get paid in the traditional sense.  I get paid a little more than $1400 a month [not enough to live off of independently].  I don't even contribute minimum wage.  So, I could work harder around the house, do chores like back when I was a child... and... oh yeah... I remember how THAT went.

I don't contribute enough financially to feel like I even deserve to get personal payment.  The days when I could work a job and earn money and get paid are gone.  Getting paid WAS my purpose to work.  And I'm not talking about the simple... getting paid to pay the bills.  Tangle items that I wanted was my sole purpose of working because what I purchased, I earned with my hard work.  My hard work meant something.  Now, I earn nothing because the government has taken pity on my inability to have a job and decided I need money to live.  I work around the house, but I don't get paid. If I do work hard, I do get the gratitude of a grateful wife, so not all bad, but there's still something missing.  I miss the days when I could work, earn my keep, and reward myself with something tangible I wanted to buy, no questions asked.  Those days are long gone, and so is my motivation to give it my all any more.  Getting paid, earning my keep, and buying what I want to buy, is my drive to keep working.  To give it my all.  I don't care if I never go on a vacation... I'm autistic and large crowds stimulate me in ways I kind of find miserable and exhausting anyways.

So, all-in-all, for me, the point of work is to get paid.  Get the things you want out of it, and find what joy you can find in life while you are still alive enough to enjoy life.  It is important to contribute to the family, yes.  But it is also important to contribute to yourself as well.  Pay yourself.  Even if money is tight, pay yourself.  If you reward yourself for a job well done, it give you purpose to keep going to work and enduring that grind.  No matter how much the job sucks... if you pay yourself, it grounds you and reminds you why you put up with the crap every damn day you go in.  A job where you don't get paid is a job that becomes hard to work.  It becomes even harder to work when the job doesn't pay.  In this case, work becomes... the chore.