People have speculated that I am on the Autism Spectrum. I don't know if that is true, for it is difficult for me to accept things that haven't been confirmed to be true. People have said that I need to "open up more" and to actually say what is on my mind. To those who know me personally, you would know that this is extremely difficult for me cause it doesn't take much for me to shut down verbally. But it is A LOT easier for me to say what is on my mind when I type. So, this post may seem like a hot mess, but this is what goes on in my mind in a short amount of time...
oO{Why is it hard for me to speak to people? Why don't I feel love like other people feel love? Why would people say things like they would take a bullet for someone when more species are focused on self preservation? Why did my mother not love me? Why did she say she'd load the pistol when I told her I wanted to kill myself at 18? Why can't I connect to my son or my wife the way a normal person does? Why can't I feel emotions, but anger and bitterness at the opportunities that "normal" people get? Why can't I make friends? Why is it difficult for me to look people in the eyes, do I feel they are looking into my soul? Why is it difficult for me to do the things that I used to love doing? Why can't I even get motivated enough to play a game any more without quitting half way through? I really need to find my glasses, but I find myself sick of looking within 5 minutes cause it just seems to difficult a task. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just have to keep trudging forward. Why do I let people treat me like crap? Why do I wallow in self-pity? My last boss reminded me of a high school bully who had no further aspirations but to get a job where he could go and be a bully and be rewarded for it? Why am I different? How is it that I soaked every negative thing up like a sponge while other people can just brush them off? I wish you could spend 5 minutes in my head. You don't know what my life is like!!! You do not know what it is like to be bullied, abused, throughout your childhood, to try to cope as an adult and feel that everybody in the world is out to get you because that is all you know. I can't change who I am because my past is to ingrained into who I am. I wish I could be normal for just one day. The only time I felt relaxed is when I smoked pot that one time cause the thoughts went away for a while. When I play a game, I lose myself in the game and the thoughts go away. Vaping helps dull the thoughts some, why can't people see that? Why does no one understand? Why can't I just show people what my life is like every F*CKING minute of EVERY DAY. Why is it assumed that I'm the strong one? I need to show a brave face in tough times cause people depend on me to be strong. My son needs someone who can bond with him better than I can. Where are my glasses, my contacts are too dry and frequent use of eye drops have literally caused my eye lids to feel chapped. Why is it after 5 minutes of looking, I give up. If we can make it until tax time, we should be better. Why do I feel like I'm going to get yelled at if I talk about my feelings? I don't like it when people touch me. I don't like sitting in chairs that other people just recently sat in. Why do I hate the feeling of moisture on my skin when it is natural for a person's skin to have moisture? I shouldn't have to plan out every conversation I ever plan on having, when I choke up and shut down every time I want to say what is on my mind. I should just disappear. It's not like any one ever wants to be my friend anyways. My son is such a happy baby. Why would I want to subject him to the craziness that is me? If I am autistic, is there even a point in finding out? It's not like it would do me any good? If I don't take care of my physical and mental health, then I can't work. I will do what is necessary to ensure my mental health and my physical health are in tact. Why is it when someone is verbally instructing me on how to do something, I only hear and process the first one or two instructions before I become completely lost and lose focus on everything altogether? Why can't I say what I need to say? Why don't I feel happiness in anything? You have no idea what it is like to be me. Why is it every idea I have is stupid? Why can't people understand that I just need to shut down my brain every once in a while before I blow up and shut down???}
"Anything you want to talk about?"
My reply: "No, I'm fine."
Feel free to comment if you can relate. Sorry if this post seemed pointless, but this blog was created as a way for me to vent about things that I see a lot of people ranting and raving about. I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind and being that I don't have friends to talk to about things (not that I could if I DID have friends), this seemed to be the best way to let my thoughts out. If is stirs conversation, then it served its purpose.
