Let's put the metaphor into context. As a child, I was abused. Coming from an abusive household, you are emotionally shut down. What moments of joy you get, you hold on to. For me, moments of joy were sea shells, rocks, video games at my dad's house, and going to Bible study on Sundays. I always found church services to be boring, mundane, and tiring to go to. As a kid, with a lot of pent up energy, a church service where everyone just sits and listens felt like going to school. The congregation would sing hymns and I'd just follow along with it, without a lot of invested interest. But Bible Study was a bit more fun. We'd sit with a teacher in a small group and talk and learn. I had gotten to go on a trip to Chicago with a bible group, and got to go to a Bible camp in the summer.
I used to be paranoid about religion. Music that made references to the devil, Hell, etc were taboo with me. Even if the song wasn't an anti-Semitic, I wouldn't listen to it. I was always scared that even the sheer mention of "the other place" would cause me to end up there. Even though I was depressed with life, I held on to those beliefs and tried to be strong with religion. I had learned A LOT about religion, but never embraced the concept of "God is love." I never felt love in my broken home, and never felt loved by anyone or anything.
When I was 18, I was in the National Guard. I moved out of my abusive situation just 3 days before being sent to Basic Training. While there, I w ent to a protestant church service (because even though I was Lutheran, military churches provided one service for many different Catholic religions). While at the church service, I felt for the first time, abandoned. I had never felt love from anyone, not even God. I felt, nothingness. The years of abuse had left their mark on me. I went into a situation where the drill sergeant's sole purpose was to break down my self-driven spirit and build it back up into a team-driven spirit. I had NO spirit going in, and therefore, not anything to break down, except for the last of my sanity. I had had suicidal thoughts in the past, when dealing with my mother, but my experience there brought them back into light. As a result, I got a general discharge from the military with a mood disorder EPTS (existing prior to service). Leaving there left me with less sanity than when I went in, and my religious world shattered.
I felt angry with God. How could God put me into that abusive household? How could he have not shown me love? How is it when I talked to him, I felt nothing? And the burning thought came to my mind... I no longer believe.
I started listening to the music I wanted to listen to, because I felt there was no Hell. There was no consequence for any of it. He never listened to me, He must not exist. I believed for the longest time, I was atheist. Looking back on it, I wasn't atheistic. Atheists truly believe in nothing. Atheists truly believe there is no such thing as God. I wasn't that. I denied Him because I was angry. And I spent MANY years angry with God, religion, my mother, etc. I even harbored resentment towards the military because of the way the drill sergeants treated me, even after finding out about my abusive upbringing.
After years of therapy, anti-psychotic and anti-depressant medications, and self-loathing, my views on religion started to gradually change. I started to develop my own beliefs. I started to believe in reincarnation. That when I die, I will be reborn back on Earth to live again as someone or something new. I was still on the fence about God, but did notice that when atheist people would talk to me and share their anti-God beliefs, that I would actually be a trifle offended. That was further proof that I never really stopped believing. I just stopped believing that He ever loved me.
I told people that it would take a miracle for me to start believing in God again. And then, I had a son. My wife was told that she would possibly never have kids. Finding out that we were expecting was a life-altering moment for me. My religious beliefs started becoming more open. Instead of being close-minded about God, I started to open my mind up to the possibility. THAT, to me, was a miracle of some sort.
However, I remain cautious about religion. Things I didn't notice back when I was a bored-stiff Lutheran sitting in the church pew, started to surface. Things like hate and bigotry happen in church all of the time. So-called Christians actually preaching lessons of hate.
Now, while I can't say that I felt God's presence in my life as a child and as an angry young man, I can say that I feel I learned a lot:
- God is love. This was a tough lesson to sink in. I still don't comprehend that feeling of communicating with God and just feeling that everything is going to be okay. That is something I am working on. But a lot of that stuff I read about on the news, from members of churches, is just appalling. We have people who scream, "It's not Steve, it's Eve!!" to homosexuals everywhere. To God, we are all His children, and are loved equally by Him. In God's eyes, therefore, we are ALL his family. It doesn't care what skin color you wear, your gender, or even your sexual orientation. God would love every person as His children. In the world of religion, everyone is family.
- People judge wrongly. In the eyes of God, no human has the right to cast judgement, because we as people, are not above sin. We judge others without looking at our own sins and judging or own sins accordingly. The only one who has a right to judge is God, because He is infallible and above sin. Just because I don't believe the same things as someone else, doesn't mean I'm "
going to Hell." People who say homosexuals are going to Hell, same deal. Those people do NOT have the right to judge. Just even saying those things are sacrilegious. - Satan is hate. Is is kind of a stretch, but hear me out. If God is love, then conversely, Satan must be hate. And the influence is everywhere. Even if it that whisper in your ear, telling you to discriminate against someone, is Satan influencing you to do so. Satan is infiltrated every aspect of our lives, EVEN RELIGION. Just think about it. Where would be the most powerful way of corrupting our lives to a life of sin? That's right. In the very churches we go to every Sunday. It is NOT safe to assume that ALL churches have this going on. There are churches that preach love to all of God's children. There are churches out there that know what the true word of God is. We as people need to be mindful of this fact when selecting what churches we go to. Hate as found its way into churches so easily, that people even claim that hate is in the Bible. And while the Bible was written by men, and therefore fallible, it has been justified over the centuries. People even added anti-Semitic passages into the Bible. For instance, there is a passage that states, "A man who lays with another man, shall surely be put to death." This is found in the "Holiness Code" of Leviticus in the Bible. However, a lot of scholars believe that those passages were added much later than the rest of the ones in Leviticus. The language used differs significantly than the rest of the book. Now, no one can confirm with certainly the legitimacy of that, but even so, we as humans can not hate. Going back to previous points: we can not judge, and God is love. Even if those acts were performed, the people committing those acts are still loved, and we as people have no right to judge them for it.
Like the book of Matthew, Chapter 18, suggests, "Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven." That means, what you believe in life, He will hold true in heaven. What you don't believe in life, he won't hold true in Heaven. This is also a major plot point in the movie "Dogma," but we don't dive too far into that tangent. So, if you deny God in life, you'll be denied God in heaven. If I believe in reincarnation in life, he'll hold that belief for me in Heaven. Pretty straight-forward.
So, at this point, I may talk to God, hoping I'll feel that warmth and comfort that people do when they talk to Him. I'll keep searching for that faith that I had lost on my roller coaster life. But going back to religion again? That is one that I will be extremely cautious about. Religion is man-made, and fallible, and I want to make sure that my personally-held beliefs are honored and accepted as my own, without criticism or judgment. Because in the end, what I believe is what is truly important, NOT what people think I SHOULD believe.
What are your views on this? Do you agree or disagree? Please leave a comment. If you read through this, then PLEASE share it so others can read it too. While I don't get a lot of feedback from my blogs, I know there are people out there who read these things. Don't be shy. :) Thanks for reading.
